Been doing a lot thinking about hope lately, largely in part because I feel like I haven't had much to spare. Since my first doctor appt. for Little Lobdell, I had to go off a new depression medicine that I began taking in September. (Read here for how that medicine has been a means of grace to me.) But now, it's not an option. And it has been hard. It has been hard to look down the road more than a couple days in advance without immediately falling into despair or becoming so overwhelmed by emotion that I feel totally numb.
As he always is, Tommy has been so kind and supportive. Saturday night was pretty yucky and instead of trying to fix it as I'm sure he wanted to do, Tommy just took my hands, looked me in the eyes and said, "Trust me." Trust that when I can't see clearly, he will see for me...Trust that when I feel all is lost, he will remind me that it isn't...Trust that when I'm pretty sure I'm the worst person in the world, he tells me I am loved. What a gift that man is to me.
But even the most loving support doesn't take away the heaviness of the burden that is depression. So, on kind of a whim yesterday as I was writing in my journal, I asked God to heal me. If not forever, than for the next 18 months. (I can't have the medicine if I'm nursing either.) I suppose I hesitate to ask for healing for the same reasons that everybody else does: doubt, fear that God will say no, fear of how I will handle a "no" if it comes, etc. But, I am setting that aside and I am asking for healing. My family is praying with me in this, that God will set me free from the weight of this burden so I can be the Jesus follower, the wife, mommy, pastor, and friend that I long to be.
I preached out of Mark 4 the other day, the calming of the sea passage. As I was preparing for it, I was reminded of all the chaos in our world, stuff like depression, death, cancer, broken relationships, etc. All of this chaos is not God's will for the world and one day, he will calm that sea, and ultimately as we are told in the Revelation to John, there shall be no more sea at all, thanks be to God. But, I am praying for a glimpse of that glass sea for this season of my life, a glimpse into healing and restoration. God, remember me and act on my behalf. All glory to you.