Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Uncomfortable spaces...

I haven't written in awhile, mainly because I've been keeping a big secret and I didn't think I could blog without spilling the beans!  Tommy and I are expecting our first baby September 10th!  We are excited/scared/anxious/thrilled/freaked out/happy all at the same time.  If you would have asked me three or four years ago if I wanted kids, I would have given you an ambivalent "eh, maybe."  At that point, school was my priority and the two seemed incompatible for me, an academic woman in ministry and a mom? But as I continue to mature and deepen my understanding of my call, of womanhood, and true gender equality, being a mom doesn't seem so incompatible anymore.  Even though I feel like crap half the day thanks to my lovely little grape-sized guy or gal, I have a sense that this pregnancy will be empowering and, instead of detracting from who I always thought I wanted to be, it will shape me in unexpected and powerful ways.

For now though, all the lovely language of empowerment and womanhood takes a backseat to feeling kinda crummy, both physically and emotionally.  All the nausea and tiredness was expected, but I didn't expect the waves of feeling completely overwhelmed by everything and anything.  It seems like the simplest things, like choosing a VBS curriculum, can send me into a spiral of despair and anxiety.  Good times.

I have been reading 2 Samuel and I read today about poor Uzzah, the guy who tried to prevent the ark from falling was struck down by God for his efforts.  Not my favorite passage.  But, as I reflect on my own (slightly irrational, pregnancy-enhanced) anxiety, I wonder if I'm like Uzzah.  Instead of trusting God to do and preserve God's work, I feel the compulsive need to get my hands in there to make sure it all goes smoothly.  And somehow, I justify my sin of worry and anxiety concerning God's work by attributing it to my deep care or my role as shepherd or whatever.  But if I'm honest, it comes down to a lack of trust and an unwillingness to live in the tension of unresolved issues, waiting on God to make the way clear.  When I resist that uncomfortable space, I make decisions based not on God's instruction but on my own fear-based anxieties.  The reading from God Calling today said this, "You cannot be anxious if you know that I am your supply."  May I submit my anxieties time and again to the One who will meet all my needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

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