Uncomfortable spaces...

I haven't written in awhile, mainly because I've been keeping a big secret and I didn't think I could blog without spilling the beans!  Tommy and I are expecting our first baby September 10th!  We are excited/scared/anxious/thrilled/freaked out/happy all at the same time.  If you would have asked me three or four years ago if I wanted kids, I would have given you an ambivalent "eh, maybe."  At that point, school was my priority and the two seemed incompatible for me, an academic woman in ministry and a mom? But as I continue to mature and deepen my understanding of my call, of womanhood, and true gender equality, being a mom doesn't seem so incompatible anymore.  Even though I feel like crap half the day thanks to my lovely little grape-sized guy or gal, I have a sense that this pregnancy will be empowering and, instead of detracting from who I always thought I wanted to be, it will shape me in unexpected and powerful ways.

For now though, all the lovely language of empowerment and womanhood takes a backseat to feeling kinda crummy, both physically and emotionally.  All the nausea and tiredness was expected, but I didn't expect the waves of feeling completely overwhelmed by everything and anything.  It seems like the simplest things, like choosing a VBS curriculum, can send me into a spiral of despair and anxiety.  Good times.

I have been reading 2 Samuel and I read today about poor Uzzah, the guy who tried to prevent the ark from falling was struck down by God for his efforts.  Not my favorite passage.  But, as I reflect on my own (slightly irrational, pregnancy-enhanced) anxiety, I wonder if I'm like Uzzah.  Instead of trusting God to do and preserve God's work, I feel the compulsive need to get my hands in there to make sure it all goes smoothly.  And somehow, I justify my sin of worry and anxiety concerning God's work by attributing it to my deep care or my role as shepherd or whatever.  But if I'm honest, it comes down to a lack of trust and an unwillingness to live in the tension of unresolved issues, waiting on God to make the way clear.  When I resist that uncomfortable space, I make decisions based not on God's instruction but on my own fear-based anxieties.  The reading from God Calling today said this, "You cannot be anxious if you know that I am your supply."  May I submit my anxieties time and again to the One who will meet all my needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Adapted Wesleyan Covenant Service

We recently did a Wesleyan Covenant Service at our church, the first ever.  I was a little apprehensive about it just because it is much more formal than our normal services, but with adaptations, it seemed to go very well.  The Spirit was clearly present and people responded to that holy movement.  Because I scoured the internet for resources on this, I though I would share what I have.  I used the original as much as possible, but referred to three other modern adaptations for guidance, including versions by George Lyons and Jeren Rowell.  However, I didn't feel comfortable embracing anyone else's work so I ended up doing most of the adaptations myself with a few exceptions.  I hope it is of some help to people.  I also have an accompanying powerpoint and booklet I'm more than happy to share.

Kingston Covenant Service

Taken and adapted from John Wesley’s Covenant Service

Welcome, History, and Purpose

Grace and peace to you, the Lord’s church.  Today is a special day.  Last week, we heard the story of the three magi and the mission of God for the entire world.  We were reminded of the vision that God has given to us as God’s church: Encounter God, experience community and enter into God’s mission.  As I explained a little bit last week, today we are going to participate in a Wesleyan covenant service.  It will be a little bit different in some really simple ways.  The worship songs will be sung throughout the service, not just at one time.  A few people from the congregation will be doing some readings throughout the service and you will be called to participate in a couple short readings.  There will be a time for a response at the altar as well.  You have a booklet today that will guide you through the service itself.

John Wesley, one of our primary forefather’s in our faith tradition insisted that to be a mature disciple of Christ required the joining of believers in a covenant “to serve God with all our heart and with all our soul.” In August of 1755, Wesley conducted one of these services and about 1,800 renewed their covenant with God to which Wesley said, “the fruit of it shall remain forever.” And that is the desire of your pastors’ hearts; that the words that are spoken today, the covenants made and renewed to serve Christ will produce fruit that will last. 

The whole purpose of this service is come together at the start of this year 2012 and be reminded of our deep need for God’s grace.  We need to acknowledge that our need of his grace is deeper than just forgiveness for wrong acts, but rather goes beyond to the cleansing work of God’s Spirit at the very core of our beings.  We set aside this morning as a time to pause and reflect on the year ahead and on our commitment to the Lord Jesus this year.  It is too easy to be satisfied with the spiritual state of our hearts.  It is too easy to allow the status quo to continue unquestioned.  So today, we will stop and consider our need for God’s forgiving and cleansing work and renew our commitment to be a disciple of Christ in 2012, renew (or perhaps begin) a covenant with God.  The word covenant may sound foreign to you.  It is simply a sacred vow made between two parties, much like wedding vows.  Each party makes a commitment to the other.  So today, we will enter into or renew a covenant with God, for he has already made a covenant with us, by sending his Son for us and for our salvation.

Let’s pray: Almighty God, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid: Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name; through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

Come let us join ourselves to the Lord in an everlasting covenant, which will never be forgotten.

Hymn: Take my life and let it be (455)

As we think about (contemplate) the significance of covenanting with God, we must consider three things that undergird this eternal decision:

1.     We must remember that eternal things are much more considerable than temporal things, things of this life.  It is easy to become so wrapped up in day to day living that we neglect those things of eternal significance.  We must intentionally remember that eternal things are much more important that temporal things.

2.     We must also remember that things unseen are just as certain as the things that are seen.  The author of Hebrews tells us that faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.  Just because we can’t see something with our physical eyes, doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

3.     Finally, we must remember that our eternal lot depends on our present choice, to follow or not to follow Christ. 

That in mind, as we enter 2012, we must make our choice, to the right or to the left.  Choose Christ with his yoke, his cross, and his crown.  Or choose the devil with his wealth, pleasures, and curse.  Ask yourselves: What is it going to be?  The crown or the curse, bearing in mind that we must be content to submit to the cross and yoke of Christ, his service and sufferings if we want to share that crown. 

This isn’t a one-time decision, made at the altar of a country church long ago or at the altar of a children or teen camp or even in the privacy of your home.  This is a decision that requires continued renewal and recommitment.  If we say we aren’t quite sure about this level of commitment to Christ, we have already made our choice for darkness.  A middle of the road commitment isn’t an option.  It is yes to Christ or yes to the Evil One.  There is no other option, no neutral territory.

Let us make the choice to adventure with Christ!  Let us acknowledge our inability to save ourselves or make ourselves clean and instead throw ourselves on his righteousness.  We could make 1,000 resolutions to do better or be better, but apart from Christ, we are separated from the presence of God and destined for death.  We can do nothing a part form him.  But, Christ reaches out his hand to us and asks, “Will you adventure with me?  I alone can bring you to God.”    

So, Jesus we ask you, if I stop trying to save myself through good works and religious ritual, and instead trust only in your blood and righteousness, will you bring me to God?  We must acknowledge our sin before God and our great need of a Savior, not only once but continually.  To acknowledge our sin regularly before God does not mean that we don’t believe that we can be freed from sin, but it rather it is an admission that we are fallen and we continually make mistakes, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without even realizing it.  So, we are right to confess our sins, both conscious and unconscious, to God.  Follow along and join in where it says “people”

PASTOR: Do you deeply sense your sins and hopelessness without Christ?

PEOPLE:  We do sense our need.  We see ourselves as sinners in need a Savior.

READER 1: The Spirit of God has awakened us; We cry, "Lord, what am I! What is this darkness that surrounds me?  These chains that weigh on me?  Is there no hope of escaping out of this wretched state? I am dead, if I continue as I am. What must I do to be saved?"

READER 2: When we realize our sin and its danger, we look for help, but we tend to look everywhere else before we turn to Christ.  It is as if we must hit rock bottom before we turn to Him.  We try to just be better and turn away from bad habits.  We may try religious with prayers and sermons and Christian practices and look for salvation there. 

PASTOR: But all of these things, though useful in the right place, are no help.  These things are cry out, “You are knocking at the wrong door.  Salvation is not in us.”  Do you now utterly give up your own goodness, or do you trust in anything but Christ?

PEOPLE: Lord, be merciful to us. What shall we do?

READER 3: We dare not remain as we are, and we cannot help ourselves. Our praying will not help us. Our hearing will not help us. If we give all our goods to the poor, if we should give our bodies to be burned, all this would not save our souls. Woe unto us. What shall we do?

PASTOR: You must let your sins go. You must let your righteousness go. Christ came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. He came to seek and to save those that are lost.

Hymn:
- Nothing but the Blood
- Grace Greater than all our sins

Will you now adventure with Christ?  We will covenant with him?  Will you, this year, commit to a life of complete devotion to God?  You have three powerful reasons as assurance:

1.     God’s initiative.  God sent his Son, born of a woman, to be sin for us, that we might be saved through him.  Jesus is redeeming and reconciling the world to himself.  This is all God’s doing, apart from any action, good or bad, on our part.

2.     God’s command.  God has commanded us to believe on the name of Jesus Christ, His Son.  If you believe that Christ Jesus is Lord, you will be saved.

3.     God’s promise.  God sent his Son into the world so that whoever believes in him, will not die, but have eternal life with Him.  We have God’s word on the matter.

Because we have these three assurances from God (his initiative, command and promise) we may be bold and courageous to adventure with Christ this year, 2012.

SONG: I Will Follow

Let us pray.  Follow along and join in where it says “people”

PASTOR: Lord Jesus, here I am, a lost creature, an enemy to God, under His wrath and curse. Will You, Lord, take me as I am, make me right with God, and save my soul?

PEOPLE: Do not refuse me, Lord, for if You refuse me, to whom then shall I go?

PASTOR: If I had come claiming my own righteousness, You would have sent me away; but since I come at your command, do not reject me.

PEOPLE: Lord, help me. Lord, save me.

PASTOR: We come, Lord. We believe, Lord. We throw ourselves upon Your grace and mercy. We trust Your saving death alone to save me. Do not refuse us. We have nowhere else to go. Here we will stay.

PEOPLE: We will trust You, and rest in You, and risk ourselves for You.

PASTOR: On You we lay our hope for pardon, for life, for salvation. If I perish, I perish on Your shoulders. If I sink, I sink in Your ship. If I die, I die at Your door. Do not bid us to go away, for we will not go.

ALL: Amen.

Pastor: Now that we have confessed our sins, the time has come to make our commitment to him. 

I ask you, as we enter into 2012, yield yourselves now to the Lord. As His servants, give up being in charge of yourselves and turn over the authority to Christ. "Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God." " Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.  You are God’s servants; obey Him! Yield yourselves so fully and finally to the Lord that from here on out, you may be only the Lord’s.

Those who yield themselves to sin and the world say in their hearts, "Sin, I am yours; World, I am yours; Riches, I am yours; Pleasures, I am yours."

Rather, with the Psalmist, let us say to the Lord:

ALL TOGETHER: I am Yours, My God; I reverence You. I dedicate myself to Your service.

PASTOR: In so giving yourselves to the Lord, you affirm that with all your heart, you will be contented with what He asks you to do as your service to Him.

Let Him assign you to your work. Christ has many services to be done; some are more easy and honorable, others more difficult and menial.

Some are suitable to our preferences and interests; others not so much (are contrary to both). In some we may please Christ and please ourselves.  These are the sweet works of a Christian.

But then there are other works. In these we cannot please Christ except by denying ourselves.  Confessing Christ and His name is never easy when it costs us shame and ridicule. It is never easy to run into the wind, swim against the tide, or surrender our rights and privileges because Jesus Christ is our Lord.

In Romans 12, Paul lays out what it means to give it all to Christ:  “So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

PASTOR: Let’s pray: Lord Jesus, if You will receive me into Your house, if You will accept me as Your servant, I will obey you without reserve. Place on me whatever condition pleases You; command me to be or do whatever You will; only let me be Your servant.

Make me what You will, Lord, and set me where You will. Let me be a vessel of silver or gold, or a vessel of wood or stone; I am content. If I am not the head, or the eye, or the ear, one of the nobler and more honorable instruments You use, let me be the hand, or the foot, as one of the lowest of all the servants of my Lord.  Follow along and join in where it says “people”

LEADER: Lord, put me on whatever task You will; rank me with whom You will.

PEOPLE: Put me to doing; put me to suffering.

LEADER: Let me be employed for You, or laid aside for You, exalted for You, or trodden under foot for You.

PEOPLE: Let me be full; let me be empty.

LEADER: Let me have all things; let me have nothing.

PEOPLE: I freely and wholeheartedly resign all to Your pleasure and disposal.

ALL: Amen.

LEADER: Friends, such a commitment to Christ as you have now made is the essence of discipleship. When you have chosen God to be your everything; when you have placed all your hopes in Christ, casting yourself totally upon His righteousness; when you have thoughtfully and courageously surrendered and given up yourselves to Him; then you are Christians indeed, and not till then. Christ’s people are a willing people, and Christ won’t accept a half-hearted “maybe or kinda” but only a bold “Yes!  Take all that I am!”  to what He requires. He will be all in all, or He will be nothing.

In a moment, we will sing a song and our altars will be open.  But before we do that, take a moment to search your heart, whether you have already and or can now make this commitment to Christ.  Will he be your all in all?  This isn’t a covenant to be entered into lightly.  We must count the cost before we build the tower, right?  Consider what Christ has asked of you and whether you are ready to set aside your way for His way.  Don’t be held back by the faults you see in yourself.  Do not trust your own strength, but grab ahold of God’s strength.  Throw yourself at his feet and trust his promise of grace.  Having surrendered to him, resolve to be faithful.  God doesn’t have a draft.  He invites.  We have to cooperate with him in obedience.  Are you ready to do that in every part of your life this year?  Let’s have a couple minutes of quiet reflection and singing.  The altars are open.  Come now and surrender yourselves to Jesus, or recommit your heart to Him as we begin 2012.  The altar is not a place of judgment or shame but of joy in God’s presence. 

Let us sing together: “I Surrender All”

PASTOR: O God, we ask You to accept us, for we know we are prodigals, rebels.  All of us were once, or are even now, far from You because of our sins. We all deserve death, and we made ourselves a thousand times worse by our sin. But out of Your infinite grace You have promised mercy to us in Christ, if we will only turn to You with all our heart.  Since we have heard the call of the gospel, we now come, we quit resisting your call, and submit ourselves to You.

And because You require, as the condition of our peace with You, that we should put away our idols, we here and now from the bottom of our hearts renounce them all, whatever they may be: money, family, pride, etc.. We firmly covenant with You not to allow ourselves to continue in any known sin. Instead, we will do everything we can through the power of your Holy Spirit to separate ourselves from what we know is wrong. This is the firm resolution of our hearts, to forsake all that is dear to us in this world, in order that we might follow you more closely. We will guard ourselves against all temptations, whether from prosperity or poverty, pleasure or pain, so that they may never draw our hearts away from You.

And since You have, out of Your boundless mercy, offered graciously, to be our God through Christ, we call heaven and earth to witness this day, that we do here solemnly acknowledge You as the Lord our God.

Church, Pray this with me in your hearts:
I do take You, O Eternal God — Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, to be my God. Be my portion. I give up myself, body and soul, to be Your servant, promising to serve You in holiness and righteousness all the days of my life.

O blessed Jesus, I know am unworthy of your love, but because of your great love for me, I with all my heart accept You and take You for my Head, to love, honor, and obey You before all others, to the grave and beyond. I acknowledge You as the Lord my righteousness. I reject my own wisdom and do here take You for my only Guide. I reject my own will and take Your will for my law.

And since Your word has told me that I must suffer with You if I am to reign with You, I do here covenant with You to accept my lot, as it falls, with You and by Your grace to risk everything for You. May nothing, neither life nor death, separate You and me.

Now, Almighty God, You know that I make this covenant with You this day, without any known deception and holding nothing back.  I ask You that if You see any self-deception in my commitment, anything hidden in my heart, reveal it to me and help me to put it right.

PASTOR: As a symbol of this covenant, we will take communion together as a church.  Through Jesus, God made a way for us to be right with God and with one another.  As we take these elements this morning, let us celebrate what Christ has done on our behalf. 

On the night that Jesus was betrayed, he took bread and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body which is broken for you.  Do this in remembrance of me.”  In the same way, he took the cup after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood.  Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.  For as often as you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.

PASTOR: Let us stand. Glory be to God, who has adopted us as his children.  Glory be to Jesus, who loves us and has cleansed from all sin by his blood, and glory to the Holy Spirit who gives us the power to turn from sin and turn toward God. 

Oh God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, you have become our covenant-friend and we, through your grace, have become your Covenant servant.  And the covenant, which we have made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven. 

DOXOLOGY:
Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise him above ye heavenly host
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Amen.

Why context cannot be ignored

As we continue the transition from modernity to postmodernity, it becomes increasingly clear that context is central to communicating the Gospel.  And while the message is still so unapologetically universal, she is a fool who does not take into account the context in which she lives and ministers.

In a couple weeks, we will celebrate 3 years as pastors in Kingston, MO.  Having never lived in a rural context before, learning the ins and outs of the country life has been a challenge, sometimes fun and joyful and other times frustrating and heart-breaking.  Last night unfortunately falls into the latter category.  My husband agreed to coach the basketball team of our local K-8 school.  Even though he is a football player to the core, he did a wonderful job and the kids without a doubt grew in athletic skill and more important character.  The community has been supportive or at the very least okay with the fact that one of the local preachers has been coaching.  Until last night.  The mother of one of the girls on the team approach Tommy after the game and ripped into him for the way he played certain girls vs. how he player her daughter.  Local politics and family history clearly undergirded her entire argument, most of which we only vaguely understood.  When Tommy didn't answer her to her liking, she laid into a lady from church who has been assisting him and proceeded to tell her how offended she was and couldn't believe that he was a preacher!

Now, it would be extremely tempting for me to turn this post into an extended defense of my husband.  But that really isn't my point.  You see, over the past two weeks, a great number of conflicts have arisen in our little community of 300, people demanding assistance for bills, extreme bullying in the school, well-intentioned (I think) people calling us 5 or 6 times a day to get money for a family in need even after we had already sent the check we promised, and extreme discord in several families.  I could tell you how this has affected me personally, like how the persistent phone caller was extremely rude and pushy to me, the female pastor but charming and sweet to Tommy, the male pastor, but again that's not the point.  The point is I am overwhelmed by the specific brokenness of this community.  The strange, unhealthy loyalty that clouds people's thinking, the sense of entitlement in some and the outright disdain for the poor in others, the disrespect toward those with whom you disagree, a heavy weight of negativity that weighs on everyone.

There is something bubbling right below the surface in this little town.  My first response is to think, man this town has some serious issues, systemic issues that are rooted so deeply in the local soil, I don't know if anything can change it.  But my second, more thoughtful response is, something is happening here.  There is some kind of battle behind the scenes that is keeping this city and these people in bondage.  I'm not one to carelessly through around words like "satan" or "demons" but I cannot deny the powers of darkness at work in my current context, quietly poisoning families and community life.

That being said, I find that I must commit myself anew to understanding and becoming a part of this culture, however foreign it is to me even after three years.  By the power of the Holy Spirit alone will I be able to see past the shenanigans of angry moms, aggressive bullies (both adult and child), and perpetual negativity to see the battle that is truly taking place in this context.

For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to withstand on that evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.
                                                                                                                      Eph. 6:12-13

Living like a pagan

After a nice, albeit different from usual, Christmas weekend, we went out for some post-Christmas shopping yesterday evening.  We like to get Christmas cards, wrapping paper and all that good stuff when it's 50% off so off we went to Target.  And therein lies the reason for this post: Christmas cards.  I sorted through piles and piles of holiday/Christmas cards, with a few Hanukkah ones thrown in as well.  Not a single card mentioned the birth of Jesus.  Instead, they were all geared around these amorphous terms like joy and peace.  If you know me at all, you know I am not an anti-culture Christian.  I don't write angry letters to stores that say "Happy Holidays" or protest the removal of 10 commandment statues at courthouses.  I don't expect culture to practice my faith for me.  But the Christmas card thing really bothered me, because I guess I assumed that amidst all the innocuous generic holiday cards, I would have still been able to find a couple, even ugly, cards that pertained to the actual holiday itself.  But no.  Every card was pagan.

When I say pagan, I hope you don't immediately think Satan worshipper or druid or anything like that, although those are two examples of pagan religions.  The term pagan refers to non-Abrahamic religions, sometimes but not always polytheistic in nature.  More than ever before, I have come to realize that American civil religion truly is pagan.  There is no room for a offensively particular Savior.  There is no room for an anti-consumerism, self-sacrificing God who calls humankind to the same kind of living.

That being said, I am both troubled and relieved by this renewed realization.  I am troubled because I old enough to sense at least some of the change that has taken place in culture, even in my brief 27 years and it saddens me.  But I am relieved as well, because I am young enough to recognize the cheap knock-off that is American civil religion and I am detached enough from that civil religion of generations gone by to be ready and willing to let it go completely.

For me, that means letting culture off the hook for not practicing my faith for me.  It means naming culture for what it truly is, pagan, and choosing a life of faith anyway.  It means living a life of hope based, not on the degree of Christianity I see in our culture, but on the first advent and the promise of the second.  It means rejecting apathy and choosing intentionality in terms of shaping a culture of faithful practice in both my family and in the church I am called to shepherd.  No more living like a pagan, folks.  God will be in all in all or God will be nothing.

rest

It's a lovely frosty morning and I'm working on future sermons and drinking coffee...how nice.  :)  I feel very peaceful this morning and I think it is largely due to the fact that Tommy and I had our first FULL day off yesterday in quite some time.  Normally, we are very protective of our days off together, but this fall brought some new stuff into our lives, namely Tommy coaching the local basketball team, and our day off was cut short for a brief season.  Even though it has been exhausting without a doubt, I have to say it has been worth it to watch Tommy work with our local kids.  Tommy is not exactly a basketball star; he'll always be my football boy, but he is an excellent leader and coach.  It was so fun to watch the kids grow not only in athletic ability, but also in life skills.  So, definitely a worthy investment of a couple months of Thursdays.

That being said, yesterday was awesome, with nowhere to be, nothing to do and no one who needed us.  We slept in like college kids (a perk of not having kids quite yet), ate breakfast at lunch time, went shopping at Target, had lunch at Olive Garden (thanks to a lovely parishioner giving us a gift card), went to the movies and even got Starbucks on the way home.  *Sigh*  It is just so nice to be together without the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Days off haven't always felt so free, even when Tommy wasn't doing basketball stuff.  For those who don't know, I have dealt with depression since college (probably sooner than that but didn't know how to name it) and I have been on medicine for it.  Last year, nothing the medicine didn't seem even to put a dent in the weight of it all and Thursdays were actually a day filled with anxiety because I didn't have busy-ness to keep my mind off the ache.  But thanks be to God, my amazing doctor found something new for me that works 1,000 times better and I feel free, like all the clogged pipes in my head and heart are finally cleared out.  And now, Thursdays are much more restful, not to mention fun.

So, as I look outside at the sparkly thin frosting of snow on our yard and at my spoiled puppies sleeping on the couch, I am grateful for God's gifts in all their forms: sleeping in 'til 11, gift cards, medication as a means of grace, a sweet husband, Target and all its treasures, Starbucks, facebook chats with my baby bro, and unseasonably warm mornings to run.  Thank you for your gracious gifts God.  Prepare my heart to receive your greatest gift once again this Christmas.

Who, What and Why

Hello world! I am again joining the blogosphere.  I briefly blogged awhile back about a fitness journey, but ended the blog after finishing the program.  (http://stephsroad.blogspot.com/)  Life has changed since then and I recently felt, for the first time, that internal "itch" (as I like to call it) to express myself in writing.

So...an introduction to myself and to this blog...My husband and I are co-pastors (aka we share the role of lead pastor) at a small church of about 75 in Kingston, MO.  We've been here for almost three years, during which time I have attended seminary in Kansas City.  I'm finished with my MDiv now and will walk in May while Tommy began his seminary program in August.  While I was in school, I preached a couple times a quarter, sometimes more in the summer, because unlike some people I didn't feel like I was able to preach on a weekly or bi-weekly basis and go to school full-time (and do any measure of justice to either one).  But, now that Tommy is in school, I have been preaching every week since September.  I was incredibly anxious about this new arrangement, primarily because my husband is funny and down to earth.  He seriously could relate to anyone I think, from promiscuous Italian soccer players to hardcore country boys, but that's another story.  I'm different.  I mean, I do my best to live incarnationally, but at times I struggle to live as "a Jew among Jews and as a Gentile among Gentiles."  And when it comes to humor, I think I'm hilarious, but not everyone would agree with that sentiment!  I am more academic and I don't move a whole lot while in the pulpit, something Tommy does quite a bit.  Oh yeah, and I am a girl.  Not a real common site in most pulpits.  So, I felt self-conscious I think.  However, taking on this new role has been affirming in that I have begun to appreciate in a new way my personal gifts and to remember that God speaks through many types of vessels.  My confidence in myself and in my skills and knowledge has grown, in spite of my constant awareness of ways in which I need to mature as a believer and pastor.

Walking into the pulpit each week has changed me in ways I didn't really anticipate, which I think has been my primary motivation for starting a blog.  I have become more reflective than I already was, which is saying something frankly, lol.  I have also become much more cognizant of my role as shepherd.  I feel the weight of the office in a new way and I am consistently struck by my need to pray without ceasing.

However, I have hesitated to start a blog because in my mind, the term "blogger" has become synonymous with "arrogant wordy internet saavy writer," especially (ironically) theologian/minister blogs.  That sounds so harsh when I type it out, lol, but that's how I have felt, as if everyone thinks what they have to say is so important to share with the world that must post it online and share the link 27 times on various social media sites.  Don't get me wrong, so many bloggers have wonderful things to say and I love family blogs that update friends on people's kids and all that.  I read some of my friends blogs and they definitely don't fall into this category.  But overall the culture of blogging tends to be marked by arrogance.  I don't want to be one of those arrogant pastor-theologians that comes to believe that everyone should hang on my every word.  Instead, I want to blog for two reasons.  First, I want to intentionally set aside time to reflect on my life and ministry.  This isn't going to be a purely ministry-oriented blog or a purely family-oriented blog because, for me, my life isn't broken up into neat categories.  It's all connected and each piece informs the others.  Second, I want to humbly join online conversations that are currently taking place concerning matters of faith and practice.  I am only too aware of the fact that when it comes to information, knowledge and all that, I am almost 100% a consumer.  I rarely offer anything up to the community at large to receive critique or feedback, much less help anyone else on their journey of life and ministry.  So, it's time I start becoming a contributor.

Finally...my blog title: Lobdell Lantern.  In the middle ages, it was very dangerous to travel from town to town, especially at night.  Robberies were very common occurences.  And of course, a traveler couldn't exactly hop off the road and stay at a Holiday Inn when the sun set, so they relied on the hospitality of others, something that surely required a great deal of trust on the part of the traveler, I'm sure.  Well, during this time, monks began to hang lanterns in the windows of their monasteries to indicate to any passerby that their monastery was a safe place for the weary traveler.  So, the lantern became in many ways a symbol of Christian hospitality.  I want my life (and my blog) to be a hospitable place, a place where all are welcome to come and sit awhile, to share their thoughts without fear and to experience the hospitality of God.  I do not always succeed in being the hospitable follower of Christ that I long to be, but I press on toward the goal....

Steph